Cable TV: What I’ve Learned in the Last Year

The last time I had cable of any sort was in 1998. That’s a very long time ago!

In the years leading up to now, I subsisted on 5 network channels that came in poorly, DVDs from the library, and Netflix since its advent. Back in August of 2012 I moved to a new apartment, and with that, finally got cable because I was sick of trying to fix the bunny ears on top of my TV. In that time, I have learned some things. Some are fascinating, and some are just downright sad.

  • The History Channel doesn’t have many history related shows. It’s mostly about pseudo science, aliens, mermaids, and Hitler.
  • There are 12 reality shows about rednecks.
  • Wow, rednecks are really in demand.
  • Did I mention 1/3 of all TV is redneck-centric?
  • Bravo is all about too much wine and plastic surgery — essentially.
  • There’s a lot of shows about rich women with lip collagen who have dinner parties that end in screaming matches. They all have book deals, too.
  • I don’t know what Jerseylicious is about, but something to do with drawn-on eyebrows and hairstylists who fight a lot.
  • OWN is basically true crime shows + Oprah trying to be best buddy with Iynala + interviews with Beyonce where Oprah practically licks her b-hole.
  • Lifetime is movies and shows where men are evil, and younger women are evil. Also adopted children are evil, maybe.
  • LMN is amazing and awful. You can see biopics like “Liz and Dick” but also movies like the one where the Canadian Air Force captain rapes neighborhood women and steals their panties to wear them later. Canadians in the Royal Canadian Air Force are evil!
  • Tyler Perry presents a Tyler Perry show, directed and written by Tyler Perry and starring Tyler Perry.
  • Children are really fat these days. Especially redneck pageant children.
  • The Food Network has shows where a pound of butter and a food processor are what you need for everything. I don’t own a food processor, so I can make maybe 6 things out of all those shows.
  • Guy Fieri likes everything, he’s disgusting. I’ve eaten at several of the Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives he says are good, and they aren’t.
  • The Travel Channel has two shows of two fat guys that drive around eating stuff.
  • HGTV has people with first-world problems and they all really, really want granite counter tops.
  • If you want to watch a man put his balls in a woman’s purse, watch any episode of “House Hunters”.
  • BBC America has great drama and sci-fi shows that never actually seem to be on, except for “Dr. Who”, and I don’t care for that show. The rest is Gordon Ramsey screaming at someone for something, somewhere.
  • Spike TV is the Dave Navarro Channel that sometimes has wrestling, and guys looking for Bigfoot.
  • Spike also has “Bar Rescue” which I’ll admit, I really like.
  • Come to think of it, I think there are 4 shows dedicated to finding Bigfoot.
  • There are a lot of shows about poor people and criminals getting married.
  • TLC is the gross network, in that nothing on there should be watched if you just ate a meal.
  • “My Strange Addiction” is pretty much everything kids did at recess in 2nd grade, except televised. I can’t tell you how many kids I knew would eat paper. And their own scabs.
  • Poor people also try to pawn stuff. It’s sort of like “Antiques Roadshow” but for those on unemployment.
  • There are several repossession shows from cars to planes, because taking people’s stuff is funny! But I wish they weren’t so fake. Trust me, if you’ve ever had to stand in line to get your car out of a tow yard, it’s practically a comedy club come to life (at least in Los Angeles it is).
  • There are a lot of very specific professions that have shows. Like, very specific.
  • If I wanted to see the inner workings of an airport, I’d get a job at a damn airport!
  • The Style Network is where “Sex and the City” has gone to live out it’s re-runs, then hopefully die.
  • There are a lot of shows about women buying expensive clothes or ugly wedding dresses.
  • I don’t get HBO or Showtime, so I can’t see boobs.
  • “South Park” is still the only good thing on Comedy Central.
  • Why is there a show about beards?
  • I can sum up “Hoaders” like this: I’ve tried everything…except cleaning my goddam house!
  • I get IFC, so I can see boobs there, but it also has commercials. I call that a wash.
  • TMC is great, it almost makes up for me not being able to rent from Eddie Brandt’s in Burbank anymore. (I’m a pre-code cinema lover).
  • Wait, “The Simpsons” is still on?
  • There are a lot of shows about men in the wilderness doing manly things: in Alaska, and in the mountains, and on ice. You sit there in your skinny jeans eating your vegan hot dog, it’s cool.
  • Everyone in Atlanta seems like an asshole. Why are there so many shows about horrible people in Atlanta? Atlanta, you need to do something about that. Really.
  • There is a whole channel that does nothing but show “Martin” re-runs 24/7.  It must be a front for something!
  • “Sixteen and Pregnant” “Dating and Pregnant” “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” “Pregnant in Heels”. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m waiting for a new trend along the lines of, “Sensible and Childless” or “I Won a MacArthur Grant, and I’m Not Pregnant”.

This now brings me to a list of shows I would like to be included in the development and production on. If I’ve learned anything by having cable the past year, it is that one or all of these ideas will get a season or two squeezed out of them.

“Real Housewives of the Rustbelt”

“Project Managers: Kansas City”

“I’m On Welfare, So I Used A Condom”

“HELP! My Cat Is Overweight!”

“Cleveland Clinic Anesthesiologists Untamed!”

“Craft Fair Wars”

“Non-Profit Administrators: NYC”

“Regional Managers: Sacramento”

I have more, but I’d have to get a consultant contract signed with a network before I give away all my fabulous ideas. What are some of your favorite awful shows or networks?

What Pinterest Really Comes Down To

Even though I am a user — and filter what content I see carefully — I did notice a theme with Pinterest.com users. An annyoing theme. And thus, my friend Shannon and I came up with this design after I went on a typical coffee fueled rant (like I do) about the website….

You can buy this as a shirt, iphone skin, or print over here.

Because these are all the fonts I keep seeing, as well as the top 3 subjects. I should have also added ballet flats, pictures of French macarons, and pretty much anything pastel colored.

My New Phone

While everyone else is having first world problems waiting to get their grubby hands on the newest iPhone they ordered, I too, ordered a new phone that came in the mail recently. BEHOLD!

Yep, I got myself a retro 80s type deal here. Guess what this bastard does?

Dials numbers.

Has a normal telephoney-ring. No stupid songs here.

Gives me a call waiting beep if for some God unknown reason more than one person calls me at once.

Attached to a line, which is attached to a wall. So I can only use it at my desk, and not wander into the bathroom to take a dump while I’m talking to someone, or anyplace else that reception is bad.

Is heavy enough to bust over the head of an intruder.

No caller I.D. so I can’t pull the, “oh not THAT jerk calling me again” maneuver. I actually have to answer to see who is calling — imagine that!

No touch screen, so it won’t look like this after having it for one month.

Makes it so I have to talk to people, and they have to talk to me. No drunken texts from people and/or sending texts to people who read way too deep into them, and get the tone all wrong, thereby them going on a tear and writing me back 3 paragraphs of overly emotional nonsense that I can’t understand because of poor spelling.

It’s red, so it makes me feel like I’m the president or a military big-shot getting an important call from the Pentagon!

It’s on my desk, so I can’t “butt dial” anyone.

If It Worked Once, It’ll Work Again

This is just getting ridiculous: http://dlisted.com/node/30891

The Neverending Story? Really? And let me guess, they'll cut out the traumatic swamp scene just to keep it PC or some crap like that. My mother took me and a friend to see this movie when I was 4 or 5, and truly, a whole generation was traumatized by that scene — slower and more painful than Bambi's mom getting shot. But, I am a stronger and better person for going through it at such a tender age. Okay maybe not, but still.

Ideas, originality? What are those again? Hollywood, you really are going to so many new lows. The old saying of nobody went broke in Hollywood by underestimating the intelligence of America may be true to an extent, but this is just getting retarded and lazy. Just do an updated All About Eve and get it the hell overwith! That re-make of The Women translated so well to modern times, didn't you think?

This brings me to a question: how would you like it if people started to re-make classic albums? Seriously. I had this discussion a few years ago with Troy Gregory of The Witches/Dirtbombs fame, and he said, "you know what? I'm going to re-make James Brown live at The Apollo". Brilliant! Just to prove a point, what would happen if you rounded up a bunch of musicians to do this? How would you like Kanye West to remake Thriller? How about Coldplay remaking The Velvet Underground Peel Slowly and See? They could get Pink to be Nico for a follow up, amazing. Dark Side of the Moon would be great if Kenny Chesney had a hand in re-making it, don't you think? And the MC5 Kick Out the Jams should be re-made live as it was by The Jonas Brothers as I'm sure they could totally pull it off.

What other ways can we ruin the memories of your youth? Come on, we can think of something!

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Woo Girls

While working on a piece to possibly be in a book, I came up with this little thing yesterday:

But then I realized there’s another type of woman that I can’t stand — even more so than these — so you will have to wait and see. These are called “Woo Girls” obviously, because when they do a jello shot they all yell, “Woooo!” They also have a tendency to knock their drinks over repeatedly and fail to notice when some chump is rubbing their ass. Yet I’m still fascinated by it all; a sort of anthropological fascination in that I like studying them, you know? When these faces came about, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I even knew or seen these girls somewhere. The one on the right after I drew her looked awful familiar. But, as the case with most of my portraits, I end up meeting the people I draw later in life — freaky eh?

The DNA results are in…

I’ve been witnessing the decline of class, decorum and any hint of shame during my afternoon lunch TV sessions. I know, daytime TV pretty much caters to the unemployed trash of the western world (I do not have cable so I can’t just watch a cooking show) but it has become increasingly so, to the point where people are actually tricked into thinking this is the way to behave. Kathy Hilton is just as much of a skank as her daughter Paris, yet she was even given a show where she dictated and judged the behavior of country bumpkins in accordance with how an heir or heiress should act (I’ve known country bumpkins with more natural class than the Hilton money can buy). If you have ever seen episodes of Flavor of Love — that’s what trash TV has done to a generation of women. That’s what they think is fine and classy. Of course those women have the combined I.Q. of a Tic Tac and are competing for a man who’s only claim to fame in the past 20 years has been, “Yeeeeaaah Boyyyyy”.

First I  watch Tyra, just because she is camp — and knows it. But lately it has just become one big commercial for whoever the sponsor is that day or celebrity guest: Naomi Campbell perfume, Hilary Duff clothing line and of course every girl needs a makeover courtesy of Caress skincare products before they go to meet their long lost relative….esh!

What I want to know is, how much money do these DNA diagnotic centers really have that they are advertising non-stop and sponsoring all these damn paternity test shows? Maury Povich and Judge Hatchett have got to be rolling in it! Really now, every court show and talk show is all about the woman who brings on 7 guys and none of them are the father! Ah, remember the good ole days when having a bastard was shameful enough that A. you didn’t publicize it B. you had to use the last name of another relative for the baby and c. you were viewed as used goods? Oh yeah, and you didn’t humiliate the baby by bringing it on national TV with several men in tow calling you “nothin’ but a ho” who of course high five eachother and do a touchdown dance when the results are negative. Why would you do that to your kid? You think they aren’t going to be showing reruns by the time they are in 5th grade? Great, now the whole school will know your mom is a slut, with bad taste in men too retarded to use a condom. Yet throughout all of these shows — no one has any shame. I guess if they had shame or were even slightly concerned what impact this may have on their families, they wouldn’t be going on a TV show in the first place huh?