I Almost Slipped On A Mason Jar

The other week I almost slipped on a mason jar rolling around on the floor in a dark club. I found 3 total on the floor that night! It was the one night I decided to go out without my cane, btw. I picked the jars up so no one else would fall on them. It was ridiculous.

For the love of fucking God, would bars please cut it out with this mason jar glassware trend already? It just tells me you are too cheap to get real glasses. Guinness in a mason jar is not cool, it’s bullshit. Are you really going to put that nice $6 IPA craft brew in a mason jar for me? Really? Dump that sucker into a real glass or I’m ordering a bottle next.

A snooty bartender with a rockabilly bump of a ponytail once saw my face and said, “what are you, like, unable to drink out of that or something?” AS A MATTER OF FACT YES BECAUSE IT’S WRONG.

Hey kids, when mason jars as glassware are being served at airports, are being sold at WalMart with stems, being sold at Walgreens for $8 when made of plastic, and now being made fun of on Pinterest:  it’s over.

In fact, here’s a little something my best friend and I came up with a couple of years ago!

There is a running joke with my friends that I am the number one mason jar hater, ever. This is not true. They have a place in society at times; a country gin and tonic perhaps, an iced tea, or preserving food as was their original and intended use. I always saw them as best utilized in a garage, holding screws and bolts. However, a margarita in a mason jar isn’t cute (unless you are a woman with the IQ of a Tic-Tac), and neither is walking around with one at a rock concert. In fact, the ‘I remember we drank out of these and jelly jars when we were kids because we were poor’ line is something I hear most often by anyone over 30. I mean seriously are milk bottles going to be next? Are the music venues and twee artisanal establishments going to start serving cocktails or beers out of MILK BOTTLES?

One day when the world ends, I will be left in a post-apocalyptic landscape, with a bionic leg, a sweet Tank Girl or Mad Max wardrobe, and I will fight the remaining mason jars with all of my smashy-smashy strength! Sure, after the apocalypse mason jars might come in handy for something close to their intended use — and I won’t care!

No one needs hipster artisanal rhubarb after the apocalypse.