Bite Me

I am not a wealthy woman. No, I don’t buy a lot of fresh herbs, fancy cheeses, spices, and trying to stick to grass-fed meats is enough to drain my checking account. Avocados are a luxury, and I’m not going to spend $9.99 on a pint of ice cream — I don’t care how organic and twee it is.

I don’t have a food processor, pressure cooker, or a mixer. Although my galley kitchen is a step up from the tiny Euro-kitchen I had for eight years, I still don’t have room for all of that BS. I also don’t have the time for all those steps– or rather, I don’t want to make the time. Sure, I have a good set of knives, mixing bowls, I even have proper glassware for just about every alcoholic beverage you can think of (most of the champagne glasses have been broken from parties, but whatever). Yet I don’t have a salad spinner, a blender, a juicer, or any other appliance that could take up room. I mash potatoes with a masher, I whip things with an old fashioned beater, I mix cookie and cake batter with a goddam wooden spoon and I’ll take you down in an arm wresting challenge because of it. My coffee grinder and my glorious Frieling Polished Stainless Steel French Press are as fancy as I get, not mention, I’ve had them for a thousand years. I love truffle oil, I buy it once a year and make it last as much as I can. A microwave? Not in my kitchen!

I had a subscription for Food and Wine magazine for a while for free; the candy-ass hard to find ingredients made 1/4 of the recipes useless to me, and, half a magazine dedicated to wine. How the hell does anyone expect me to read it all let alone try to make a list or remember any of them? That’s just too much info about wine! Unless it is under $12.99 I don’t want to even discuss it! I also don’t need to know about the top 5 restaurants in Istanbul — I won’t ever be going there unless I win the lottery.

Food Network: Bite me.

On Ina Garten’s show, a few chefs gave their precious recipes for what they cook when off-duty and is easy and fast. One was rack of lamb with an artichoke puree, the other, something to do with needing a spice grinder. Are you fucking kidding me? Also Ina, please cut it out with the popped collar already — we get it, you live in the Hamptons.

Sandra Lee shows how to save money with her recipes. Granted some are ok, but her math is always a little off — not to mention I don’t have time to make ridiculous cocktails to accompany each meal. After her suggestion that viewers make her peanut butter and jelly pancakes, I wanted to throw -up. Here’s a cheap meal idea: make some toast with butter. Or in my case with over-priced gluten-free bread (because if you think I’m going to make my own you are dead wrong!) By the way, her tablescapes are hideous.

That skinny Italian chick who now does hair color commercials, whats-her-name? Giada? Well, she clearly doesn’t ever eat, and the recipes lose me where they require more than 3 steps.

The Pioneer Woman has a kitchen that probably cost $100,000 to renovate, and she uses a food processor for everything. Welp, I don’t have one, so I guess I’m out. But she also puts a gallon of butter in everything. I make a 1/2 lb. of butter last me a month! But in a poor attempt at self-depreciating humor, she’ll tell you in just about every episode how she loves butter. Loves it. What? An American woman telling people she loves butter? Now I’ve heard everything!

I’ve never watched Rachel Ray. That voice of hers belongs to a dive bar floozy who would blow a guy for another round of Sauza shots. But, you know, the fancy Sauza.

I’m glad this celebrity chef got called out.

Like a lot of people, I try to get by with what I can, but without it turning into regret. Those 3x I purchased anything from Aldi, for instance, will not be repeated; those futile attempts at Food 4 Less (gross) won’t be done again; I won’t be going to BiRite ever as long as I live. I go to my fabulous Westside Market, for the most part, but I try to buy the non-gross stuff from Trader Joe’s (oh god, their meats, yuck!).

I won’t buy parsley just for a few meals to be garnished for the sake of “color”

Make my own cider drinks? Muddle some mint? Ha! That’s cute. How about a $4.99 bottle of wine? Screw off the cap and pour it in a fuckin’ glass. Ta-da!

Who the hell keeps all of this stuff in their pantry? And how old is it?

I don’t even know what turmeric is, but I’ve lived this long without it.

A pestle and mortar? Oh that’s cute. Just because Julia Child had one doesn’t mean I need one. Any recipes that requires I use it is already too much trouble.

Pictures of food on the internet make me sick.

Your Pinterest boards of food make me sick.

I used to work for a food photographer for 2 years. I don’t need to see your poorly lit and un-styled Instagram shots of anything.

Dressing up poverty food with gruyère cheese and avocados? Yeah, yeah, yeah, real original.

Squeezing lemon juice on everything? Ugh, do I really need to?

Shockingly, the easiest and cheapest recipes I have made are from both The Duchess of Windsor, and Jackie Kennedy. They are so easy in fact that I don’t mind throwing them together even when I am tired and come home to a gallon of cat puke on the carpet that I have to clean up. Thanks Wallis! Thanks Jackie!

You probably think that because I forgo all of this stuff that I don’t know how to cook. Oh honey, you’d be wrong! Here, how about my recipe for gluten-free peanut butter cookies? This shit will make you weep:

1 cup sugar

1 egg

1 cup peanut butter (Jif or Peter Pan, none of that natural stuff)

1 tsp. baking soda

pinch of cinnamon

chocolate chips are optional.

Heat your oven to 325 degrees and spoon out those dollops. I like to spank them to give them a flat top before popping them in the oven for 10-12 minutes.


3 thoughts on “Bite Me”

  1. hahahaha, nice. Food shows drive me crazy with their classicism, but they also inspire me to attempt things I’ve never made, like polenta. Or fennel. Or leeks. However, I also have the time to cook & I choose to spend what little extra money we have on staples to make homemade food, which is just not possible for a lot of people I know.

  2. I make plenty of homemade things, just nothing that requires effort (deep frying in canola oil for instance) or ingredients I have drop crazy money on. Saffron? Truffle brie? Ha!

    When Sandra Lee presented her peanut butter and jelly pancake recipe, my husband said he would divorce me if I ever made that. How does she have a show? I guess anyone is better than Guy Fieri.

    1. I find Sandra Lee’s show deeply offensive. “Hi! I’m going to put Kool-Whip on a store bought, pre baked Angel Food cake!” Not that I object to those two things together, but that someone has a show showing you how to not even half ass it, more like quarter ass it, is not ok. The next logical step is for you to spell out “DIAF” in Brach’s jelly beans on top of the cake, in case whoever you give that cake to doesn’t understand how you really feel about them.
      And I agree with ingredients that are too pricey. If it costs that much, I’d rather not get too attached to it. I’ve known people who were “foodies,” not bc they genuinely love food, but bc their fetish is rare ingredients. It drives me crazy.

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