I moved across the border from Cleveland into Lakewood last August. I’m still not thrilled about it, even though I know a lot of people try to act like Lakewood is cute, or something. It was cute and had things, maybe 9 years ago, when I first visited Ohio — not so much anymore. But if you like high taxes and a huge array of dive bars, it is the place to be. Here are some ways I have learned that summer has arrived:
I spotted 3 Juggalos.
The patios at all 65 some bars are open.
A girl with a mohawk was hula hooping on the front lawn of a church. Because, hey, why not?
A veteran on his jazzy (American flag and smoking a pipe) trying to out race kids on their bikes spitting at him and poking him with sticks.
An obese woman on a jazzy eating an ice cream cone.
Children playing outside with no supervision giving cars that drive by the finger.
“The Daughters of Lakewood” out and about in their coochie jammer shorts.
The white girl crack heads walking really fast like they have to be somewhere.
Cops busting people for everything. Speeding, DUI, you name it. Oh-so many cops!
The Christmas decorations have finally come down from various homes.
Break-ins reported at some of the nicer houses north of Lake Avenue.
Old tan dudes, out tanning some more. Where everyone can see them. They don’t care, they’ll do it on their front lawn, that’s the way they like it.
The tricks are out making the rounds, and you see that same car circle the block, you know.
The line at Melt is even more ridiculous at lunch because kids are out of school.
So many bikes. So many.
Drunk people on their porches.
Sex offenders on their porches.
The sounds of domestic disturbances carry on the wind.
Everyone begging me to come take their tomatoes because they grew too many.
Boats out on the lake.
Goths and time warp Industrial kids carrying umbrellas, or steam punk parasols.