Why I Shouldn’t Join a Cult

I finally got around to watching Martha Marcy May Marlene a movie starring the non-troll Olsen sister about a girl who flees from a cult she’s been with for two years. John Hawkes did a fantastic job at the A-typical cult leader, and the usual proclamations of, “you are a leader and a teacher” and “you are either alive or dead, anything else is just existing” get use. Oh cults, you crazy kids!

I forgot that years ago I blogged about my weird fascination with cults; not to mention my grandmother may or may not have formed a half-assed version of one (we think it was just an excuse for her to boss people around), and I may or may not have been approached to join them a few times, by older men who thought they could control me due to my age — ha! Anyways, here’s a list of reasons why you should never recruit me, and why I would last about 5 minutes in a cult:

  • I hate acoustic folk music
  • I don’t like being told what to do
  • In general, I have issues with authority
  • I don’t like sharing
  • If you try to starve me, after a few days you can bet your ass I won’t get weakened — I’ll knock your teeth out instead
  • I hate farming, and gardening, and nature
  • I can’t do manual labor except maybe chop wood and tile a bathroom; everything else I’m too crippled for
  • Only chores I can do are vacuuming, dishes, and making cocktails. I can’t even iron properly!
  • I hate bunk beds
  • If you try to drug me, chances are I’m just going to enjoy it
  • Put me in pioneer era dresses? Yeah, that’s not going to work for me
  • I’ll secretly judge and know I’m prettier than all the other women, and then I’ll turn them all against each other because it will be entertaining. That’s what happens when you take TV and internet from me!
  • I’d have no issue sleeping with different men if they were hot, and thus would breed lots of resentment amongst the followers
  • What do you mean I can’t order my Dermalogica moisturizer online?! I NEED IT!
  • Babies scare the crap out of me and you don’t want me in charge of their care
  • I’m a nihilst, so have fun with that
  • I hit back
  • I also know how to use firearms, you wouldn’t want to test that
  • If you live out on a compound in the middle of nowhere, I’ll just assume you failed at life and didn’t pass the GED

So you see? The only way a cult could ever keep me is the plain fact that I can’t run away physically. That’s it, really. So rather than join a cult, I’m renting a condo; and believe me when I say a condo board is sort of like a controlling cult leader except way more bossy and annoying! But at least I don’t have to farm or make babies for the cause, instead I get an indoor pool, private beach, happy hour specials, and dry cleaning service. That’s way better, don’t you think? There is only one acceptable reason why anyone should move to a compound out in the country: to start a kitten farm! Because KITTENS!

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