My New Phone

While everyone else is having first world problems waiting to get their grubby hands on the newest iPhone they ordered, I too, ordered a new phone that came in the mail recently. BEHOLD!

Yep, I got myself a retro 80s type deal here. Guess what this bastard does?

Dials numbers.

Has a normal telephoney-ring. No stupid songs here.

Gives me a call waiting beep if for some God unknown reason more than one person calls me at once.

Attached to a line, which is attached to a wall. So I can only use it at my desk, and not wander into the bathroom to take a dump while I’m talking to someone, or anyplace else that reception is bad.

Is heavy enough to bust over the head of an intruder.

No caller I.D. so I can’t pull the, “oh not THAT jerk calling me again” maneuver. I actually have to answer to see who is calling — imagine that!

No touch screen, so it won’t look like this after having it for one month.

Makes it so I have to talk to people, and they have to talk to me. No drunken texts from people and/or sending texts to people who read way too deep into them, and get the tone all wrong, thereby them going on a tear and writing me back 3 paragraphs of overly emotional nonsense that I can’t understand because of poor spelling.

It’s red, so it makes me feel like I’m the president or a military big-shot getting an important call from the Pentagon!

It’s on my desk, so I can’t “butt dial” anyone.