Welcome to Hell, I’ll Be Your Tour Guide!

I’ve clocked in over 60 trips to the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus since June of last year. I find it horrifying that there are patients who have done even more than that! Most people have to travel a lot further than me — some from other states, or countries. When you have to go there often, and for many different things, you get to know the place really well. It has become routine, and it’s almost like a part-time job. The cruel irony is that I applied for a job in the art department — the whack-ass online system probably didn’t even register my resume, I doubt — and this was right before I got diagnosed!

Being that I still have to go there for the foreseeable future, I wish I could get a job with them that was like being an information desk tailored for grumpy people who are all, “oh fuck this being sick shit, I can’t believe I have to be here!“. You know, people like me who swear a lot and just want the real info, but with some surly humor, and maybe a little less of that fake compassion I encounter. I know the place too well, and being that it is laid out almost like a city, I think people would appreciate it.

You want diagnostic radiology? There it is, go see those motherfuckers, don’t bother locking up those lockers from 1977, they stick and you’ll never get your clothes back.

You want sushi? Go down to this floor by the valet dudes, it’s next to the fancy bathrooms that aren’t crowded. Oh, you want expensive sushi? There’s the fancy-ass restaurant. Maybe you’ll see a sheik, or Oprah in that bitch.

Want radiation? You want the old ass part of the complex on the 2nd floor. They’re real nice, they have the good magazines and some of the better art.

Parking that isn’t a bitch? You are shit out of luck on that one buddy, and all the handicapped spaces are taken with fatties who need a walker because they ate too much pie. But the parking garage on 100th street ain’t bad by the 3rd floor.

You need an MRI? here’s the fastest way to get there, those bitches are in the basement across the street and it’s all complicated to get down there. The TV doesn’t work in the waiting room. Bring an iPod too.

Need your eyes looked over? There’s the Cole Eye Institute across that street there, take the skyway!

Need a scented candle? The gift shop by the big Starbucks’s has all that holistic and organic bullshit.

Don’t bother going to the main Starbuck’s around noon, the line will be out the door.

Want to see droids in action? Go down to the basement of the Miller Building where you get the CT scans done; they got those fuckers hauling medical equipment and shit! They take corners and everything! Don’t get in the way, they might run over your foot.

Need to drop a deuce in a quiet area? There’s a tiny bathroom en route to the Taussig Cancer Institute, right by the creaky elevator, and the Andrea Joki artwork.

Wanna excellent view of the city? Go to the top of the Miller Pavilion, it’s fucking beautiful…for a rust belt town.

Wanna look at some photos of puppies in sweaters? In the main lobby by the electric tree — you can’t miss it!

Dying for a copy of Arthritis Magazine? Desk A41 waiting area has tons!

Need to park your RV? There’s a whole lot just for you off Chester Ave! You can BBQ and swap road stories with other RVing bitches who hang out at the clinic.

Need a cane?  go to the pharmacy hidden inside the Euclid Ave parking garage. They tend to be surly at that one, so watch out for those bitches.

Farmer’s Market? Yup they have one on the lawns in front of the Crile building. Go buy some blueberries or some other anti-oxident shit.

Getting surgery done? There’s a parking for the Surgical Center, it’s all hidden, and make sure your family members or spouse get a pager, because God knows the nurses won’t actually call their cell phone when you’ve been out of surgery for hours. FYI all the food is from Stouffer’s, and don’t get the pizza — that shit is tiny.

Wanna take a nap between appointments? Do it in the big ass lobby by the electric tree, the leather chairs are comfy; that’s where most people nap anyways, so don’t be a dick and talk all loud on your cell phone.

You want a banana? The Au Bon Pain in the Crile Building has tons. Go eat one of those motherfuckers.

Need a massage? Reflexology? A gym? Need to test your sperm? Chemo? A bone scan? Chest x-ray? Need your veins looked at? A good glass of wine? I know where you do all of that!

See, I think people need to know these things. Ask me where anything is, I’m like a damn rolodex of information and bitchy sarcasm when it comes to the clinic. Would you have it any other way?

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