Lately I’ve been in a fog: forgetful, spaced, and over all just not seeing the point of anything. The only thing giving me structure is the looming deadlines for the next several art shows I have and that’s all I can manage to pay attention to. Painting is a compulsion of mine whether I give a crap about it or not.
Three of my friends have died in the last year and a half; one a freak accident that still doesn’t seem real; one stabbed to death; and one of natural causes, but it was a long slow process with ups and downs. I was mad at myself not being able to attend the funerals of the first two, but attending the last one, that pretty much did it for me. I hadn’t been to a service since I was in 4th grade and this one — for reasons I won’t go into — made me so angry. If anyone deserved a crazy Michael Jackson-like spectacle it was this man, but his life was reduced down to a few well known facts and audio selections. He wasn’t Christian, but let’s pray for the salvation of his soul anyway. I still feel like shit I didn’t get up and say something; I’m such a chicken at public speaking (despite being an over all loud mouth) and I was so angry that it wasn’t going to happen. In the end, I didn’t see the point of anything, because I will one day end up as dust in an ugly vase in a funeral home that looks like a Ramada conference room. That’s it. There you go. Although if I have the money, I’d much rather have a big obnoxious tombstone with a statue — always wanted one of those.
Now I know everyone will lecture me on the whole, “it matters more what you do in life” bla bla bla, but at this point I really don’t think so. Dust in a damn box, that’s where I’m headed, so I may as well do what the hell I want while I’m around because none of it will matter. Those three people were some of the smartest and most talented I knew, and they went out painfully, and violently. Does it matter that they didn’t deserve it like that? No, because “shit happens”. No more planning ahead for me, everything is unpredictable anyways, and the things I plan for won’t matter later. If anything I’ve realized all the things I don’t want to do, or become, because it is just an even bigger waste of time on top of the waste of time I’m already experiencing.
I think I’ve become a bit of a nihilist.